by Mitch Lemus
Trump outlines his plan on Afghanistan's Lahari Kingh show.

Donald Trump, the man who perfected "the art of the deal" is now negotiating perhaps his biggest deal ever. The maverick real estate developer is currently in talks with Afghani tribal leaders to purchase their country and subsequently rename it Trumpistan.

Caves will be renovated and sold as luxury condominiums.

At a press conference in Kabul this week, Trump laid out detailed plans to completely rebuild the country's crumbling infrastructure within 15 months. According to Trump, he will transform Afghanistan into a world- class property complete with hotels, casinos, golf courses and luxury condominium units built directly into the caves.

"When everybody goes left, I go right. When everyone zigs, I zag. This is an enormous opportunity and the next logical extension of the Trump brand. Look, Las Vegas was a barren desert too before visionary risk-takers saw its potential," explained the billionaire mogul.

In return for ownership of the country, Trump has promised tribal leaders fully comped weekends at his proposed Trump Caves & Casino resort, plus tickets to the next heavyweight champion boxing bout there.

With Miss Teen Trumpistan contestants.

Trump's casino will also be home to extravagant events such and the Miss Teen Trumpistan Pageant, where young women will compete for modeling contracts. "I am proud to have the opportunity to help liberate these lovely lasses from their burquas. Personally, I can't wait for the swimsuit competition," said the lecherous mogul.

Additional plans for the corporate-owned and operated nation include replacement of the country's currency with the trumpee. The hundred-trumpee bill will feature Donald's portrait, while lesser denominations will depict bikini-clad supermodels the playboy tycoon has dated.

The pan-flute playing team of Zahir Baba-Ganoush and Omar Jahari will serve as as the casino's co-directors of entertainment.

Not surprisingly, Trump's proposal has raised eyebrows in Washington. "I don't care who he is or how much money he has. He just can't buy countries like they were buildings or girlfriends," said Secretary of State, John Kerry.

But Trump was quick to respond. "If the Obama administration can offer the Afghan people a better deal, let them do it. Fact is, only I have the know- how to turn a distressed property into one of the most spectacular pieces of real estate anywhere. I've got the backing of the banks, the financiers, and Ironworkers Union Local 714."

But even if he can overcome domestic roadblocks, Trump still faces the ire of worldwide Islamic factions who frown upon gambling, alcohol, and unveiled women, let alone showgirls. "If there's one thing I've learned in my years as a businessman," Trump counters, "it's that everybody has a price. Never underestimate what people will do for money. Once the Trumpistanis experience the wealth and prosperity my venture will bring them, they will quickly forget an old, antiquated ideology like Islam."

Young men line up to fill out applications for jobs at the proposed casino.

When asked about the country's poverty and hunger problems, Trump was quick to respond. "Development will generate more jobs and opportunity than these sheep and goat herders have seen in a thousand years. Once building is complete there will be a great demand for busboys, bell hops, chamber maids, croupiers, golf caddies, and a slew of donkey drivers. And with 3- trumpee, 99-cent all-you-can-eat, around-the-clock buffets, no one will ever go hungry in Trumpistan," the mogul vowed.

Also in the works, Trumpistan Air -- a fleet of former airforce F-16s that will shuttle high-rollers to and from Trump's "Gaming Mecca in the Mountains."

Tribal leaders will get free poker chips and get to attend parties with supermodels.

Whether Trump's proposed Central Asian Shangri-La gets off the ground remains to be seen. Afghani tribal leaders are expected to make a decision within 30 days, after they return from their all-expense-paid junket to Trump's Taj Mahal in Atlantic City.

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