by Mitch Lemus
The Official Acne Medication of the Olympics
With hundreds of pimply-faced teenagers and pill-popping steroid abusers competing in the Games, Clearasil planned on doing before-and-after demonstrations starring Olympic athletes. But the athlete's acne were so severe, the zit cream proved useless.
The Official Condom
of the Olympics
In an effort to prove how reliable their condoms were, Trojan planned on staging an Olympic sex marathon featuring former Olympians (and recently wed couple) Nadia Comeniche and Bart Conner. The promotion was canned after it drew loud protests from the Christian Coalition..
The Official Firearm of the Olympics
With an international audience of millions, the Olympics are a hotbed for terrorists and wackos. That's why Smith & Wesson volunteered to outfit all Olympic security personnel with their hand guns. In return, the company asked that they be credited for the kill if any criminals were shot during the games. But the Chief of Olympic Security rejected the offer as they were already using surplus Olympic skeet shooting guns.
Charmin, The Official Toilet Paper of the Olympics
Did you ever notice that after eating McDonald's you almost always have to run to the crapper? So did Charmin tissue. That's why they pursued a cross-promotional deal with McDonald's. When Mickey D rejected the idea, Charmin proposed installing Olympic logo toilet paper in porta-potties at every Olympic venue. The International Olympic Committee thought that was a crappy idea, too.
The Official Tobacco Product of the Olympics
With all the tobacco fields in the South, Philip Morris thought cigarettes and the Atlanta games were the perfect fit. "There's no conclusive proof that smoking slows down runners," said a company spokesman. "In fact, our research suggests that smoking is a great way for athletes to relax before competition." Plans for the promotion were halted when the executive in charge of the promotion suddenly died of lung disease.
The Official Snack Food of the Olympics
As donut sales continue to decline among a health-conscious public, the donut chain sought ways to reverse their fortunes. In a classic case of turning a negative into a positive, Dunkin's Olympic message was "Athletes burn enormous amounts of calories, and Dunkin donuts help replace them." When no coach was willing to introduce donuts into their athlete's diets, Dunkin's plans were put on the shelf.
The Official Girly Magazine of the Olympics
With plans to combine sex with the biggest sporting event in the world, the editors of Playboy proposed a special Olympics spread entitled "Butt-Neked Gymnasts of Atlanta: Sweet young thangs bent in positions even Gumby would envy." It turned out none of the gymnasts were over 18 and the photo-shoot had to be scrapped.
The Official Feel-Good Drug of the Olympics
Marketers of the chic new drug, Herbal Ecstasy, were positioning their product as the all-natural way to party 'till dawn in Atlanta. But when Anheuser-Busch protested, fearing a loss of business to the drug, the Herbal Ecstasy folks were too stoned to fight back.
Copyright © 1996 Mitch Lemus